


Sizhui's Mom Has Got It Going On

by Live_Long_and_PawsPurr



Category: Founder of Diabolism, The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù, 魔道祖师 | Módào Zǔshī (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Kind of haha, M/M, OCs strictly to show how hot wwx is, Oblivious Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Original Character(s), Sizhuis hot dads, Song fic, Stacy's Mom, angry uncle, because I couldn't bring myself to have the juniors lust after him, honey- does this fic show my age?, yes the song from 2003
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-03-08 16:23:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18898306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Live_Long_and_PawsPurr/pseuds/Live_Long_and_PawsPurr
Summary: Sizhui's dad- patron saint of making sure crops are watered, skin is clear and making men question their sexuality comes to visit his son at college. A-Yuan's friends will be thirsty, Sizhui will be oblivious and JingYi will laugh at everyone's expense.





	1. Chapter 1

Gusu University was buzzing with intense anxiety in anticipation for the hell which was parents’ weekend - when the freshmen’s rich helicopter parents come to judge their kids’ life choices and critique where their money for education is going. The university staff was compulsively going around making sure that the academic atmosphere expected from an elite university was upheld to the parents’ (aka donors’) standards while the freshmen panic cleaned their dorms making sure that their condoms were hidden and their search histories were cleared.

 

Lan Sizhui was one of the few exceptions to this fine tradition. He was genuinely excited to see his dads and to have them meet his friends. They had both gone to Gusu (although his dad Wei Wuxian had left after only one semester- declaring it deficient in a proper party scene) and it was where they had met.

 

Sizhui practically dragged his friends to the student union where his parents were due to arrive. He was bouncing on the balls of his feet as he kept checking his phone to make sure there were no missed texts from them.

 

His friend Rob let out an exasperated sigh as he checked his phone for the 5th time in as many minutes, “Sizhui! How are you _this_ excited to see your parents?! I know _I’m_ going to need some tequila shots after mine go home. So stressful!”

 

“Seriously!” Brian sighed dramatically, “I’m glad mine will buy me non-university food for the weekend, but my mother’s judgment might not be worth it.”

 

Sizhui looked up at him, “Come on Brian, you’ll be happy to see them when they get here,” and he gave them the trademark sweet Sizhui smile.

 

 “Hey, I’m gonna get a coke while we wait. You guys want anything?” They shook their heads and Sizhui wandered off to the vending machine around the corner.

 

 

 

 

As soon as their friend disappeared, the doors to the student union opened and a certified _DADDY_ ™ stepped over the threshold.

 

Time suddenly seemed to slow down as if they were in a cheesy romcom, the only thing missing was the tell-tale hottie music. The students closest to the man slowed to gawk as he flipped his high pony tail behind his shoulder and looked around. A student even tripped over her own shoes as he hung his designer sunglasses on the V of his shirt, dragging the lucky material further down his deliciously chiseled chest.

 

A helpless whimper escaped Rob as he drank in the sight and Brian breathed, “Ungh! Daddy step. On. Me!”

 

They watched in captivated silence as the unfairly beautiful man walked further into the building, commanding eyes from students and parents alike.

 

“Holy fuck! Whose dad is _that_?” Rob managed to choke out.

 

“I feel kinda bad for them, how can you live in the same house as a fucking god?”

 

 

They were broken out of their trance by Sizhui rounding the corner back towards them. Good thing the man hadn’t left yet, Sizhui might not have believed that their eyes had been so blessed if he didn’t see the Adonis for himself.

 

Sizhui started making his way back over but stopped wide-eyed as he too saw the man. Ha! Maybe now he wouldn’t be so stupidly excited to see his dads after seeing such a vision!

 

Rob and Brian thought they might even need to run interference- Sizhui was clearly entranced as he took a step towards the man and yelled, “Dad!”

 

Wait….

 

What?

 

 

 

 

They must not have heard correctly. It almost sounded like he had just called this Adonis-

 

“Dad!” Sizhui frantically waved. The man turned and as soon as he saw him his face lit up and Sizhui ran into his open arms.

 

“A-Yuan!” the man grabbed their friend by the middle and spun him around.

 

 

 

 

Oh.

 

Fuck.

 

“That’s…” Rob trailed off.

 

“Sizhui’s-“

 

“Dad?!”

 

They both sat in dumbfounded silence for a moment.

 

“Fuuuuuuuccckkkkk….”

 

They were seriously fucked. And not in the way they had been hoping .5 seconds ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“A-Yuan! I missed you so much, kid!”

 

Sizhui pulled out of the hug and gave his dad a wry smile, “I’m pretty sure you mostly missed me grading your history students’ papers for you.”

 

The beautiful man chuckled and ruffled his son’s hair, “you caught me.”

 

Sizhui looked around, “Where’s father?”

 

“He’s parking. I had him drop me off cuz I couldn’t wait to see you and meet your friends!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh

 

Fuck.

 

Sizhui was now waving them over. Waving them over to meet this paragon of a man who just so happened to be their friend’s dad.

 

They subtly made sure they didn’t have boners (Rob said a quick thank-you to the Thirst Gods for that small miracle) and with resignation and mild panic walked over to be introduced.  

 

 

Sizhui still had a stupid grin on his face as he introduced his friends, clearly not noticing the intense blushes creeping up their faces. “Dad, these are my friends Rob and Brian.”

 

“Nice to meet you sir-“

 

His dad stopped them with a wave of his hand, “please, call me Wei Wuxian! None of this ‘Sir’ business. Do I really look that old to you?!” He put his hand to his chest in mock offense and then laughed it off. “Sizhui’s told me about you both.”

 

“Only good things I hope,” Brian said with a smirk.

 

Wuxian winked conspiratorially, “wouldn’t you like to know.” Rob had to stop himself from a full-blown Victorian style swoon and Brian’s knees went a little weak at the gesture.

 

Wei Wuxian’s phone buzzed and he scrunched his nose as he read the message on the screen. “A-Yuan, your father ran into Lan Qiren and they are going to talk about boring history stuff for a while.” He put his phone back into his pocket.

 

Sizhui pulled a face at his dad, “but you’re also a historian.”

 

“ _My_ history is exciting! But anything that old man Qiren teaches is as dry as the paper it’s written on.”

 

Sizhui raised an eyebrow, “And father’s subjects?”

 

Wei Wuxian winked again, “I like to think I’ve steered him into more interesting areas of study.”    

 

Sizhui fondly rolled his eyes at his dad, “Let’s go to Cayi Pub. Dad, they still have that cocktail you won’t shut up about.”

 

“Emperor’s smile?!” His face lit up and then he was practically dragging his son out the door. “Since you guys can’t drink I’ll just have to drink enough for all of you.”

 

“I’ll let JingYi know where we’re going so he can meet up with us.”

 

“JingYi! I love that little brat! Definitely tell him to meet up with us! Does he still lose his temper during debate team?”

 

Sizhui chuckled, “Not so much anymore. And you didn’t help very much to calm down the situations as debate coach. In fact, I’m pretty sure you egged him on most of the time-”

 

 

 

 

Rob and Brian tuned out Sizhui and his dad reminiscing about high school in favor of focusing all of their attention to how Wei Wuxian’s tight fitting jeans hugged his ass and thighs. And they by far weren’t the only ones. As they made their way into town from campus, the people they passed fell on the spectrum from politely ogling Wei Wuxian to lewdly undressing him in their minds. Somehow Sizhui must be so used to it that the attention to his dad went unnoticed.

 

When they finally reached the pub JingYi was waiting outside for them. “JingYi!” Wei Wuxian went over to him and did an insanely complicated handshake ritual of fist bumps and flailing limbs and what can only be described as a half bro-hug. “JingYi, how’ve you been, my dude?”

 

“I’ve been doing well, Coach Wei! But you were right- Professor Lan Qiren’s history class is really boring.”

 

Wei Wuxian shrugged, “Told you so.”

 

They all went in the pub and found a table as Wei Wuxian recounted some of the pranks that Wuxian most definitely had not helped JingYi pull off his senior year. Such as filling the chemistry teacher’s lab with balloons- that is absolutely not something that he would do. 

 

As Sizhui’s dad started to tell about all the pranks he pulled when he was in school, Brian was shamelessly throwing bedroom eyes at him while leaning his cheek into his hand. “Wei Wuxian,” he practically purred, “that was so clever! How did you manage to-“

 

Rob rolled his eyes, tuning his shameless friend out and glancing over at Sizhui. His friend chuckled at his dad’s stories and was seemed completely oblivious to the crop killing thirst in his other best friend’s eyes. JingYi snorted and when Rob turned to him he looked like he was using every ounce of strength to keep from laughing.

 

Sizhui stood up, “I’m going to call dad to let him know where we are. Dad, you’ll need to order at the bar if you want a cocktail.”

 

Wei Wuxian got up as his son left, “what do you boys want? Besides alcohol. You’re still too young for me to officially condone you drinking haha.”

 

Wei Wuxian went off with their orders of soda and to procure an Emperor’s Smile, leaving the others to sit in silence before JingYi burst out laughing, breaking Brian’s gaze on Wei Wuxian’s retreating backside.

 

“What’s so funny!” Brian demanded.

 

Tears were forming in JingYi’s eyes as he managed to choke out, “closet breaker Wei Wuxian strikes again! Hahahaha!!”

 

“What?”

 

JingYi calmed down a bit to explain, “Wei Wuxian was the cause of so many gay awakenings in high school, a group of us kept a tally.”

 

Brian’s cheeks flushed, “well I am an _established_ gay thank you very much! And I can hardly be blamed for admiring!” He brought the back of his hand to his forehead in a faux swoon, “My skin is clear, my crops are watered, and my pants might be a bit tight after seeing that man.”

 

“Jesus, Brian!” Rob breathed in exasperation.

 

“What?! Have you _seen_ him?!” he asked incredulously.

 

“JingYi, does Sizhui even know that literally everyone wants to bang his dad?” Rob asked.

 

He snorted again, “Oh yeah. The fifth Gay Awakening happened around the time that Stacy’s Mom song made a resurgence, so we would sing ‘Sizhui’s mom has got it going on’ all the fucking time to him. He was a little annoyed but- you know how he is. He doesn’t let things get to him, so it wasn’t fun to tease him about it anymore. But whenever Teacher Wei was looking especially fine we would start playing that song. And the best part is that he always sings along!” JingYi suddenly looked up and said quietly, “watch this.”

 

JingYi brought up his music app and started playing ‘Stacy’s Mom’ as Wei Wuxian came back to the table with their drinks. Wuxian’s eyes brightened and he belted out, “Stacy’s mom! Oooohh ooooohh!!” with feeling. “Hahaha JingYi, remember how obsessed you guys were with that song? I don’t know how you didn’t get sick of it with how much you all listened to it.”

 

JingYi turned to Rob and Brian with a look that said, ‘told you.’

 

Despite the teasing, Brian would not be deterred and kept laughing and batting his eyelashes at everything Wei Wuxian said. And Sizhui continued to be purposefully oblivious.

 

 

 

 

Wei Wuxian was in the middle of telling an embarrassing story about how he and his husband once ‘planted’ Sizhui in the ground when he was little to get him to grow and Sizhui had his face buried in his hands when the door opened to the pub once again.

 

Framed by the late afternoon sunlight stood a beautiful statue of a man. If Wei Wuxian’s beauty inspired lusty pursuit, this man’s demanded reverence and admiration from behind a velvet rope at a museum. His skin and chiseled features looked as if they had been carved from jade and his long hair looked to have been borrowed from the night sky itself. The only thing sullying this vision was the intense look etched on his face that could probably command silence from an entire room of people.

 

The scary beautiful statue’s gaze lightened as it fell upon the back of Wei Wuxian’s head and suddenly intensified ten-fold when it fell upon Brian. Rob’s stomach suddenly felt like it knew trouble was brewing and went off for a holiday, leaving him wide eyed and fearing for Brian’s life as the new man bared down upon their table, his sharp gaze boring holes in his oblivious friend’s skull.

 

The look on JingYi’s face betrayed how pleased he was with this turn of events as he waved at the man, “Hey Mister Lan!”

 

At this, Wei Wuxian stopped mid-sentence and snapped around, “Lan Zhan! Lan Zhan!” He pushed back from the table with such force that his chair almost tipped over and wrapped his arms around the statue man, “Lan Zhan, our A-Yuan has made such nice friends!” and with that he tangled his hands in the other man’s long hair and kissed him as if they had been parted for years rather than barely an hour. To be honest, it was a little much. Rob was sure that he would combust with embarrassment if his parents did that around his friends. But Sizhui’s parents were so beautiful, the excessive PDA was excusable.

 

When they finally parted, Sizhui quickly stood up to embrace his father. “Father, these are my friends,” he said, turning to them. “Of course you know JingYi, and this is Rob and Brian.” His father’s eyes narrowed on Brian even as he gave a polite nod of acknowledgment to the boys.

 

Mister Lan wrapped an arm around his husband and instead of pulling out a chair for Wei Wuxian, he led him to sit in his lap. “Lan Zhan!” Wuxian lightly batted at his chest, “so shameless! Good thing A-Yuan is used to my shamelessness or else we might embarrass him!”

 

Wuxian’s husband simply responded with an, “mn,” and a glare directed at Brian, who was now wearing the terrified look of a man who knows he done fucked up.

 

“M-mister Lan, it is a pleasure to meet you, sir” Brian squeaked and JingYi very unsubtly hid a laughing fit with a cough.

 

Sizhui, being the certifiable saint that he is, cut through the tension in the room. “Father, what did you and Professor Lan Qiren discuss?”

 

His father began to say (in as few words possible) what they had discussed while Wei Wuxian absently played with his husband’s hair. Every once in a while Mister Lan would shoot a knowing glare at the terrified Brian, seemingly to remind him that _he_ was the one who had Wei Wuxian on his lap and he would kill a man if they tried to change this fact.

 

 

 

Twenty minutes later, Rob was blessed by whatever gods might be looking upon them with a text from his parents letting him know they had just arrived on campus. One look at Brian said that this needed to be an out for him as well, or else he might die from fright. “I apologize, my parents just got here and I need to meet them.” He turned to Brian, “Brian? You wanna come say hi to them?” Brian nodded enthusiastically and stood up. Rob turned again to Sizhui’s parents, “It was very nice to meet you both and we hope to see you around this weekend.” He waved at JingYi and Sizhui, “See ya guys!” and he basically dragged Brian out the door with him.

 

As soon as they were outside Brian breathed a huge sigh of relief. “Rob, you are the best friend a man could have. I thought Sizhui’s father was going to murder me!”

 

“No worries, bro. If you died, then who would help me pass environmental science?”

 

Brian chuckled, “That’s fair. I see your true colors now.” He paused, “But for real though. Sizhui’s mom has _Really_ got it going on!”

 

 


	2. The Angry Uncle Sequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why is everyone in Sizhui's family so damn good looking? The world may never know. 
> 
> A year after Wei Wuxian, destroyer of mens' hearts, visits his son at college, his brother stops by for a visit. Mark the students of Gusu down as scared and horny. 
> 
> (my dumb sequel to Sizhui's Mom Has Got It Going On ;P )

Sizhui carefully set down a drink carrier of coffee and tea at a table in the student union where JingYi, Brian and Rob were sitting. He pointed at each drink in turn, “soy latte, black coffee, and white chocolate cherry Frappuccino with extra whip and chocolate sprinkles.”

 

JingYi’s eyes shone with childlike delight as he grabbed his sugary concoction, “Sizhui, you’re the best!”

 

Rob and Brian plucked their drinks from the carrier and cradled them in both hands as if they could absorb the caffeine directly into their bloodstreams through their hands. “Sizhui,” Brian mumbled, “you are a certifiable fucking saint. I don’t think I could even make it back to the dorm after the all-nighter we pulled for that political science exam.”

 

Rob just grunted and nodded from where his head was propped against the paper cup in his hands. A rare shit-eating grin spread over Sizhui’s face, “well, if you had started studying _before_ 11pm last night then maybe you wouldn’t have had to study all night”

 

Exhaustion made the glare Rob gave him about as intimidating a bunny sneezing and Sizhui chuckled to himself. “Most important thing is it’s over and I’m sure we all did well.”

 

JingYi loudly slurped the dregs of his Frappuccino, “speak for yourself! I’ll be happy to just pass that class!”

 

 

 

Sizhui’s phone buzzed with a text. He checked the message, smiling, and then looked back up, “Hey guys, if you’re not busy right now, my cousin is gonna meet up with us. I think he also needs some caffeine therapy.”

 

Rob raised a lazy eyebrow, “He’s the freshman who always looks like everything offends him, right?”

 

Sizhui narrowed his eyes at him in an unusual display of not positive emotions, “Give him a break, his parents died so he was raised by my uncle who’s a bit….” he screwed up his face, trying to think of a polite way to describe him, “… intense.”

 

“He seems like a pretty good kid,” Brian says after a long draw of his plain coffee. “He’s in my Ancient History class. He doesn’t really talk to anybody, but he’s constantly answering our professor’s questions.”

 

“He is a good kid!” Sizhui beamed, “And he just made the archery team! My birth cousin was the team captain when he went here and gives him pointers, so we’re all expecting great things from him.”

 

Rob sighed and leveled an exasperated look at his friend, “Sizhui, you are way to supportive of your family. It’s not natural, and quite frankly, I’m starting to think you might be an alien.”

 

Sizhui just chuckled and shook his head, “An alien who just helped you pass poli-sci.” He took a sip of his own drink before his eyes widened slightly as he remembered, “Oh shoot! Brian-“ He looked over at him, “Do you have your flash drive with our presentation for tomorrow? We have to send it in by 3.”

 

Brian groaned and lightly smacked his head on the table, “fuck. No. I left it in my room.” He stood up with a sigh, grabbing his half empty coffee, “I’ll go get it. Be right back.” He turned and headed off to his room.

 

 

 

 

On the way back to his room, he stumbled upon a certified D.A.D.D.Y next to the school newspaper stand. The man was slightly scowling at the paper in his hand as if it had mildly insulted his mother. Brian took a second to admire the angry vision before him. A small braid on the side of his head was tucked into a ponytail and his tight-fitting lavender button-down was open to show just enough chest to indicate to Brian’s ever hopeful and thirsty mind that he might be interested in men.

Well, he thought to himself, you never get the sexy pot of gold if you don’t follow the rainbow. So, despite the angry aura surrounding the man, and Brian’s better judgment, he approached.

 

“Are you into archery?” Brian said, affecting his Sultry Voice™.

 

The man turned to him, scowl deepening to etch a line between his brows, “What?”

 

Brian pointed at the archery team’s photo that he had been looking at, “I figured that’s why you were reading that.” He batted his lashes and gave a sly smile, “besides,” he began, very pointedly running his gaze along the man’s arms, “you must be an archer. You have such strong arms- so much more muscular than the sticks we have on our archery team.”

 

Brian took a step closer, clearly not seeing the angry lightning that was brewing behind the man’s eyes. Judgment clouded by lack of sleep, he reached a hand out to lightly trace a finger over his bicep. “Maybe you can show them how to be _real_ men.” With that he turned his doe-eyes up and immediately knew that he had done fucked up.

 

His gaze was met with pure fury. The man grabbed him by his collar and gave him a small shake, “Listen here you little punk-“ he began in a voice seething with icy rage. “My nephew is on that team” Brian could see a vein throbbing at his temple, “And if you fuck with him I _will_ break your legs.”

 

Brian’s eyes were as wide and as full of fear as that one time he accidentally dropped acid. But he was also strangely turned on. Wow. He reflected briefly on how messed up that was and how he really needed to get laid.

 

The hand tightening on his shirt brought him back from his momentary mental tangent. “Understand?!”

 

“Y-yes, sir!”

 

The man’s eyes narrowed for a moment, “good.” He released Brian’s shirt and glared at him, “now scram!”

 

Brian didn’t need to be told twice. He practically ran to his room, leaning against the safety of his closed door for a few minutes.

 

 

 

 

Brian was almost back at his friends’ table when he saw a very familiar lavender shirt sitting next to Sizhui and Jin Ling. He froze. His mind was unable to process what was happening, so he darted behind a pillar to fish out his phone and send Sizhui a text.

 

Brian: _Dude, who’s the guy in purple?_

Sizhui: _Oh, that’s my uncle! He came to congratulate Jin Ling on making the team! Come over and meet him!_

Brian: _….. umm… I forgot… I have to… iron my dog? Mow my carpet?...._

Sizhui: …

Sizhui: _Brian… what did you do?_

Brian: _What?! Me?! How could you even- I am_ **so** _offended that you think I might have done something?! I thought we were friends!_

Sizhui: …

Brian: _* **sigh*** ok… I _might _have hit on him while I was getting the flash drive._ _Let’s just say it didn’t go well_

Brian peeked from around the pillar to see Sizhui visibly sigh and shake his head before he began typing again.

Sizhui: _Brian- you need to examine your life and your life choices…_

Brian: _I can’t help it that I have a thing for Tsunderes! I mean- and he’s super hot!_

Sizhui: _Brian! That’s my uncle you’re talking about!!_

Brian: _Sorry! But it’s the unfair truth- the men in your family are gorgeous sirens who dash my heart upon craggy rocks._

Sizhui:

Sizhui: _You are too dramatic for your own good._

Brian: _Maybe I should join theatre._ **There** _they might appreciate my drama_

Brian: _So… I’m gonna just go and upload our project. I’ll see you later!_

 

Brian pocketed his phone again and glanced to make sure Sizhui’s angry uncle wasn’t looking his way before making a mad dash for the door.

 

He really did need to reevaluate his taste in men..

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I have to… iron my dog? Mow my carpet?...."  
> So... I might have borrowed my excuses from my friend @Allregretto ... She's wonderful and writes hilarious fics! Go check out her stuff!!!


	3. Extra Credit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian done f-ed up again. He really needs to curb his thirst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my partner in crime @allregretto for the suggestion of who Brian should hit on next ;-)

The door flew open to Sizhui and JingYi’s dorm room and a distraught Brian stormed in. He flung himself dramatically onto JingYi’s bed and declared, “I am fucked. Totally and royally fucked. Like seven ways to Sunday fucked,” he quickly leveled a glare to JingYi who had just opened his mouth, “and no, you little shit, I am not fucked in the way I want to be.” JingYi closed his mouth and shrugged at being called out so accurately. Brian threw his arm over his eyes, groaning, “Sizhui, how do I transfer? Is it even possible to transfer a couple days before second semester?”

 

 Sizhui threw JingYi a look, silently asking if he knew what the theatrics were about this time, but JingYi just shrugged. “Brian,” he started cautiously, “what happened?”

 

“Your family! That’s what happened!” He threw his hands up to the ceiling, “I’m cursed. That is the only explanation. I have been cursed and now I need to perform a ritual to get rid of it.” He turned his head to JingYi, “Do you think the Wicca club will make me some hippy amulet or do you think I’ll need to sacrifice a chicken or some shit?”

 

Sizhui furrowed his brows, “Wait, did you have a run in with Jin Ling?”

 

“No.”

 

The lines in Sizhui’s forhead deepened. Jin Ling was his only family on campus. Neither his parents, cousins or uncles were visiting, they always let him know before they came by. So that left—Oh.

 

 

 

 

 

Earlier that day Brian was killing time in the last half hour of his café shift, doodling on a paper cup with a fine-tipped sharpie when the bell over the doorway chimed to announce a new customer. He didn’t pay much attention to the new customer while his co-worker took his order and then handed him the marked-up cup for the man’s soy matcha latte. As he bent down for the soy milk container underneath the counter he glanced at the customer for whom he was making the drink. Brian’s breath caught in his throat and it was a good thing that he was partially obscured from view by the espresso machine because his eyes had gone full on owlishly wide-eyed. Damn this man was super fine. He had resting bitch face (but really, who didn’t at 3pm on a Thursday) but it did nothing to detract from the simultaneously strong yet refined features of his clean-shaven face. He couldn’t quite place an age on him, but he was definitely at least twenty years Brian’s senior. The man practically oozed haughty sophistication, from his intense stare to his Burberry pea coat to the sweep of his perfectly quaffed hair falling over his shoulders. In other words- the man was 150% Brian’s type.

 

Brian kept stealing glances as he foamed the soy milk for the latte. He had not seen the man around campus before so he must either be here for just a few days or a visiting professor (Gusu was the kind of small University where even if you didn’t know someone you would have at least seen them several times). Either way, since there was no way he would run into the man again, Brian felt confident enough in his quick cost-benefit analysis to write his number on the cup with a _Call Me_ and a heart underneath before turning to hand it to the man.

 

It only took a split second for the man to see the number on his cup. His eyes snapped to meet Brian’s, “What is the meaning of this?!” he barked.

 

Brian’s eyes went so wide that one might worry they would fall out of his face. That voice.. the face was so different, but that voice was the same one that chided him in Ancient History and the one he would soon be hearing every Monday for his The Art of War class.

 

 

 

 

 

“I hit on fucking Lan Qiren!” Brian wailed.

 

JingYi and Sizhui exchanged a glance and simultaneously burst out laughing, no longer able to contain themselves after hearing Brian recount his ordeal.

 

Brian crossed his arms in a huff, “Oh, I’m so glad that my utter humiliation is _so_ amusing to you!”

 

Sizhui wiped a tear from the corner of his eyes, “I’m.. so sorry” he managed to cough out between laughter, “but.. it’s just…” The unshakable Sizhui looked over to JingYi for support. It was obviously a fruitless task since JingYi had fallen off of his bed and was literally rolling on the floor, howling with laughter.

 

JingYi yelled up from the floor, “You’re so fucked!! Aaahhahahahaa!!”

 

“God, you guys are the worst!”

 

Sizhui managed to pull himself a little bit together to try and appear concerned. “What did you do?”

 

Brian groaned again, “I pretended that I had accidentally given him a cup I had made for someone else.” He motioned with his hands, “I looked at the cup in horror (which I was doing already, clearly) and said something along the lines of ‘I am so sorry Professor Lan! I made that cup for a friend as a joke and I must have switched the cups!” He put his hands over his face, “he just glared at me and had me put his drink in a new cup. So at best he thinks I’m immature-”

 

At this JingYi cut it, “which you are.”

 

Brian shot a glare his way that could cut glass before continuing, “at worst, he doesn’t believe me, thinks that I was hitting on him--”

 

“Which you were.”

 

“JingYi! Shut the fuck up!” JingYi gave him a smug look. “-and he’ll have a bias towards me and fail me and tell all the faculty and staff and my reputation will be ruined!” he wailed.

 

“There’s another possibility” JingYi said. “Lan Qiren could ask you to stay behind one day after class and ask you to do a very special assignment for extra credit. Then you will start a steamy and forbidden love affair fit for the tabloids.”

 

The vein in Brian’s temple looked like it was about to burst as he chucked a pillow at JingYi’s stupid head. “AAAAAAHHHHHHH JINGYI WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING SAY THAT?!?!??!!”

 

Sizhui laughed again, “JingYi, I think you’ve been reading too much smutty fanfiction.”

 

“Guilty as charged.” JingYi said, not even bothering to look ashamed.

 

“Sizhui!” Brian moaned. “I hate you and everyone in your fucking beautiful family! How can even Lan Qi-fucking-ren look like a god damn model without his dumb beard?!” He leveled an accusatory glare at his friend, “and why the hell is the world subjected to this?! Where the hell did his hotness hider beard go?”

 

He laughed again and shrugged, feigning nonchalance, “my dad might have pulled a prank on him.”

 

Brian and JingYi’s eyes widened, “What?!”

 

“Great Uncle at the last minute backed out of a trip he was going to take with his wife. Brina was apparently really sad about it, so my dad asked if she wouldn’t mind if he pulled a prank on Great Uncle.” His friends were both sitting up now, listening intently. “He sleeps really deeply, so my dad snuck in and cut his beard off. Everyone knows it was dad, but no one will give him up.” JingYi and Brian’s mouths were hanging open, shocked at Wei Wuxian’s shamelessness. Sizhui chuckled, “Great Uncle was so mad! He said that the balance was gone on his face, so he shaved off his moustache and the rest of his beard.”

 

JingYi shook himself out of his stupor, “wow! Your dad really is the coolest!” he said in awe.

 

Sizhui beamed, “Yeah. Yeah he is.”

 

“So how does your Aunt Brina like the new look?” JingYi asked.

 

“She’s pretty fond of it. And after the first few days of being mad, he’s actually been in better spirits than in a really long time.” Sizhui turned to Brian, “Sorry Brian, his ‘hotness hider’ might not be making a comeback.”

 

Brian fell back with a groan, “Fuuuuuucckkkk!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might or might not have given one of my favorite Tumblrs a cameo... Thanks for the Lan Qiren love, l-zhan ;)


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